I really liked going to meetings, and hanging out with you all, but after I read Sonya's email I felt like it would be better to resign and to wait until my life is more stable and I am back in my normal mode before interacting with people again. I was under the impression that since she suggested my resignation that she would also pass the information on to the rest of the club after I replied with her to confirm. I should have emailed you, and started to write to you so many times but always ended up feeling too embarrassed, and that I was just making excuses. I hate making excuses. But you have been such a good friend to me, after I read your email today, I wanted to tell you some of my reasons, which are basically the same as excuses. Heh.The day that she replied to my email where I had asked her about coming to the meeting a couple minutes late and if taking the Table Topics role was ok since it was later into the meeting, it was a big stretch to even take a role.I don't really like to admit this, but I've had a really hard time probably for about a year surrounding my recent relationship. He has a brain injury which small things can trigger and it ends in screaming and name calling and/or throwing things and I'm supposed to not react because it's just his injury, just a cortisol response... so I tried my best to stay peaceful but ended up becoming pretty depressed and eventually felt like I wasn't even myself anymore and just shut down. It's difficult because the normal person is so nice and generous and thoughtful, then suddenly it switches and there could be yelling for hours and I have to just lock myself in my room to try to control my temper because it just makes matters worse because generally when the trigger stops he apologizes and things are somewhat peaceful but if I get involved then it could be yelling for days or weeks because it never de-escalates. After my calling off the marriage things have been really turbulent, more so than before because now he feels like aside from his brain injury he has reason to be upset. But I can't do it. I'm not handling this well, it's like my kryptonite. If I could respond maybe I would be ok. Fight it out or something... but to just try to be "calm" and to avoid triggering him and not respond and to listen to the nonsense and have my meetings and phone calls interrupted by screaming from through the walls I felt like I was losing my mind trying to live in this way. Bit by bit I stopped acting like myself until I felt like someone else and not someone that I particularly liked. I'm actively working to resolve this now, and to fix the things that fell apart during this strange period.Also... you did nothing wrong. You have been amazing. In fact you are the main reason I like ETC. I felt the worst for showing this irresponsibility, failure, and weakness around you. Somehow despite all of that, I didn't follow through, I didn't even do the minimum that I should have done. It's not your fault at all, it's all me. If anyone needs to mend anything it's not you, it's me. I'm really thankful that you would even consider being my friend after how irresponsible I was over the past months.I'm reminded of a Jim Rohn quote: “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” Lately, more than anything, I'm reminded why I have previously favored discipline over regret. Regret sucks.
NiaPS: I apologize for the lengthy email... I'm tempted to revise and to shorten but the former attempts to write you got stuck in that loop and never sent.